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Jan. 31st, 2006 @ 02:27 pm (no subject)
descriptor: calm-er
wow...reading my journal and feeling sane - despite the lack of sleep due to too much sleep yesterday [sleeping pill induced insomniac]...I realize.

I sound like a complete nut.

erm... fyi - I'm really not as crazy as I seem. I'm actually fairly stable and have a grip. I'm also not as miserable as I seem - I'm relatively happy besides the horrendous money problems and my constant whining about the lack of a mate. I also don't post as much on here as I do on the MySpace blog. I think I'm also more intelligent than I make myself out to be - but don't really care if people know I know things. Blahblah blah.

I think I'm reaching the point where I have to take a nap.

11:35 AM - damn. [this turned into a rant about porn]
Current mood: confused

no session today, looks like I'm going to wallow in my own crapulence a little longer. browsing through okcupid profiles. they're actually decent. know I'll probably never get a response back from the people I message - but hey, doesn't hurt to try.

I should clean.

I've gotten a couple of pretty decent offers for a houseboy/slave - unsolicited. Would go for it if I actually had a bigger place - suppose I could use them to drive me and my friends around - but there's no room in my apartment for a slave. *shrug* I'm gonna be one of those people in this building that either stays here until they're old and dies, or just dies. My future doesn't really look bright and shiny right now. Given, I'm only 22... but still. There aren'y many options. I suppose I could get off my ass and get a regular job, but I'm lazy and don't want to work retail [unless it's hot topic or metaphysical], no food service [I KILL you.], and it's doubtful that bookstores that would hire me are looking for people. Guess I should make another resume. Ideally, I'd like to temporarily work in a photo lab, doing some kind of creative design in photoshop, or something of that nature where I'm either in a dark room or staring at a computer and not doing data entry [faulty wrists]. And somewhere where I can take plentiful smoke breaks. I hate schedules and scheduled breaks.

No... ideally I'd be doing some kind of domme/bloodletting/piercing/etc. performances or modeling. Even porn/fetish movies. It's easy and it pays well. I really like older porn... it had some style and women with big earrings in exotic settings who didn't shave their public hair and had real smallish tits. I hate bald pussy. It's unnatural and plastic. I hate fake tits. They're... fake. I dunno if I'd want to watch me in a porn - but I think there should be more porn with pierced and tattooed girls with scars. Scars are hot. Natural girls with body modifications are hot. Sorry, but I still have a predisposition to watch the more slender crowd with jutting hipbones, but whatever. I've never seen a porn I've really liked. I'd like to make one. It would be cool. I'd also like to make a decent lesbian mtf tranny porn - the only good ones seem to be ftm... and even those are hokey. Queer cop ass raping things my ass. Dammit there are semi normal yet swanky trans people out there who aren't into all that "let's mimic this or that group" or "let's be all political about it" bullshit. Straight porn, queer porn, whatever... as long as it's good. Ritualistic even - make it religious. Or realisitic scenarios like fucking at a rave or in the corner of a theatre or a hotel room without all the done up fake moans and groans. Make it intimate. Give people period costumes. Damn. I WANT GOOD PORN.

anyway... yah. For some reason talking about this makes me want to try and find my ex Lillian again, and her friend/ex lover Delia. Heh. She smashed beer bottles on the corner of the table while I cried in the bathroom on NYE when I was 17. Dunno why we ever broke up. I wasn't mature enough - she was 22. Dunno what her last name was.... didn't even know she was a tranny until dating her for a week.

Damn I was a stupid teenager. That was the band I was in that broke up - the Dreklings. I used to sing soprano before hormones. :(

WAAA!!!! Beautiful beautiful girl.

Mmm.... kay. I'm done.

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7:49 AM - up all night
Current mood: ...creepy...

after sleeping 18 induced hours. guess that's fair. bored. place is still a mess, watching invader zim in spanish and whacking off. which is funny when you're feverish - weird places get warm. took three ibuprofen, not really helping. oh well.

funny that such intense burning pain in the heart chakra evoked the only readable tarot spread I've done lately. 9 of cups, queen of wands, the devil, and the high priestess. six of cups grounds.

I'm impatient.

and despite the BITCHING of the cats, everything is quiet.

shit on my altar just crashed.

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Monday, January 30, 2006

7:11 PM - I'm tired.

of people.

think I'm gonna clean up and take a nice bath.

I'm sick, too - think it was from the rave and the weird energy mixture. Gotta remove... don't need the weird dream influence.

Between that, freaking out over stupid shit, taking 3 sleeping pills to make it through the night, and etc. - I think I'll be out of commission for a couple of days. I do have a session tomorrow as far as I know. Need to get this place clean before 3pm, given that it happens.

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4:52 PM - on karma

you can see things as being karma: eg. I let people borrow money who never pay me back, then other people let me borrow money when I really need it.

This is not compensation or an excuse.

I pay people back when they are expecting me to pay them back at some point - eg. I owe one friend $40, one friend $5, and a client $1500 that I'm working off in sessions and that he doesn't seem particularly worried about. If no expectation was involved, I simply appreciate it.

I don't see things in term of karma or anything like that. If I let you borrow money and you agreed to pay me back, I will take any action I can to make absolutely certain *you* pay me back. Not by secondary fluffy means like karma or "universal compensation" [ha!] - I want my fucking money back from the individual who borrowed it. Be fucking clear, not everything is a metaphysical turntable.

This is justice. Compensation can suck my ass. Karma is a product of something I'm essentially outside of, unless I choose to get involved in it.

Thank you and goodnight.
in the stream
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Date:January 31st, 2006 11:48 pm (UTC)
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slaves? Too much work. They're like dogs but require clothes and food variations, even if they do all the work.