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Feb. 7th, 2006 @ 09:56 am (no subject)
descriptor: it'll pass
extension: NIN - only
9:37 AM - grraaaaaa....
Current mood: depressed/funky

I wish I didn't have to see anyone today... until darkroom. But I scheduled a session at 11am [that I need to change to 1pm if possible], and a friend is coming over around 5 or 6pm... so I better actually finish cleaning. And I have tentative plans between the time I get home from the session and when my friend comes over... actually - they can probably all come over at the same time. I need to do a corset piercing on one person, maybe take some pictures if another friend can make it, and that chick from huntington is coming by to hang out.

Trying to change the pictures in my head to not being below everyone. Reminding myself that this will pass and attempting not to get too annoyed with myself or other people. Just... not in the mood. Think I'm nicer to people when I get depressed... and they get confused or something - cuz it makes me a little uncomfortable to be that nice... almost like I'm making myself reeeeally small, and everyone else is this giant majestic thing. Then I get offended by their confidence and understanding and embarassed by my lack of being functional at the moment. *poof* I have an ego. Then I get pissed off at them for being functional and alive when all I wanna do is have them be quiet and nice to me until I feel better. Which is nice sometimes.

No, I don't have control issues... really.

Guess that's what it feel like to be around me most of the time. But I enjoy it when I induce it... it's only fair, I guess. I'll get over it. My responsibility.

My intestines are starting to hurt from coughing too much - developed a little hernia when I was bulimic, and it's being aggravated. I love my body.


Moving to LA totally stopped my bulimia, and any urge to engage in behavior *that* destructive. Like I said 5 million times, I should have moved here 3 years ago, not a year ago. It would have fixed a lot of problems. Then again, not being bulimic for almost 3 years and taking control of my life would have fixed a lot of stupid problems, too. Most unnecessary thing, ever. I can't fathom it, now. And yet - when I watch TV shows about bulimia and anorexia - I feel the same way about those people as I do about people with drug addictions. I hope they get what's coming to them, cuz it's what they deserve - and I wanna punch them in the face. Cuz they're idiots. I have no sympathy.

There's no control in addiction - it's stupid and unproductive. It's better to have control over your mind. I think that if these people realized it was their problem, not anyone else's, and that they have to fix it - there'd be more recovery than the stupid family therapy and brainwashing bullshit. Yah, you feel like crap about yourself. Too bad. It' your problem. Change it. Manipulative sympathy/attention whores. I don't care about your pain. That game is easy to play.

Eh, whatever.

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Monday, February 06, 2006

4:16 PM - my arm
Current mood: *sigh*

so... what's wrong with my arm? heat rash? bugs? allergic reaction?

I dunno... I'm falling apart. I'm also depressed and overcompensating by doing shit. My throat hurts like hell, my mind is going going gone. I don't feel emotionally comfortable or comfortable around people. I really think it's just a yearly thing/cycle. I wanna cuddle.


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2:08 PM - dude!

someone just called me who wanted scrotal inflation, champagne enema, etc.

damn. I'm not rich enough to afford equipment for that - though at some point I might be able to do that kind of thing [wow]... for now I'll sick to scarification. that's hardcore. one day...

Might be getting a rash from something - could be bug bites. Right wrist and a little on my chest. Could be heat. have money orders for phone and DSL, some stuff from the dollar store, carton of cigarettes, and $10 in quarters. Prolly going to social services tomorrow [ick.] for food stamps.

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9:18 AM - life.... STOP.
Current mood: experiment

too many people around lately. I'm still sick... wish I wasn't, it's interfering with things like motivation and making money. Went to Malediction last night - spent an hour sipping my first drink - wanted to kill everyone. Mostly just the weird guy with the tongue fetish. Was tempted to tell him to lick my tongue and get him sick, but I might have puked in his mouth. Nausea wasn't worth it. I'm just convincing myself I'm okay at this point - it kinda works. My brain is not poo. There are no contradictions.

I'm fine.

Happy to have money for the first time in a month. DSL is getting paid, along with whassit... landline. Cell has to wait for another session. Gotta get $10 in quarters for laundry. Now to leave the house.

One day... lalala... I will snap and destroy you all. Have a nice day.

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Sunday, February 05, 2006

8:02 PM - gender dysphoria [home of the intersex whatchamathingie]
Current mood: horny

I know I know... even though I claim not to have it, it pops up at weird moments. I know I am neutral... I don't feel like a guy or a girl... but it feels like a penis should be a natural part of my anatomy. I like my holes and all, I like feeling someone inside me - a lot, but a strap-on is like an extension of a phantom part when I use it. I can feel sensations in it as it's going into the other person. Even the carefulness aspect is sensitzed. The rhythm is natural. It's fuckin' hot.

I really do want a penis... feel like I should have one, along with my holes. That would be natural [jah?]. What a jip.

but it's been a long time since I fucked anyone up the ass/anywhere and made them my bitch. it makes me wanna either really satiate the urge and go or get fucked really hard. really. hard.

andshutupno - it's not like any other girl using a strap-on and wishing she had a dick. I should have both - none of this piddly "you're a guy" roleplay. I'm not. Or "your larger-than-average clit is a little dick" bullshit. It's not. Strap-on is closer and more realistic. Get outta the box. Reach.... there ya go.

G'night! *g*

ps - two half hour sessions today, $200. My mom apparently sent me $100 a couple of days ago that I should be getting tomorrow. Hello paid phone bill and starting friend pay off. Should be getting the supplies my client ordered sometime in the next week. There's another $300 session. Regular is still in NY - gets back next week - $300. Client mishap a couple days ago might be fixed on Friday - $100 half hour [the dude was *hot*, too - 28, waifish, goatee... yum, I'd degrade that anyday]. Hopefully some more from people who called/wrote but never scheduled. Reposting the ad tomorrow. After rent for next month/food/bills/cigarettes/paying back friends and going to social services for food stamps and to find out about medicare/medcaid - I might have the money for that tattoo sooner than I think.


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3:06 PM - ladada
Current mood: bored

the first thing failed. bored. elementary philosophy and studies of perception are dull as fuck. If you wanted to talk about specifics, I might have been interested. I cannot function in grand ungrounded generalities. They frustrate me. What am I supposed to answer?


Quit asking questions and just do something, man. relax, have fun. Actually, the guy wasn't that attractive in person. Dull. Eh, whatever. No real personality. Basically "interviewed" me. Loser.

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10:35 AM - doop doop doop...
Current mood: truth is realative *efg*

have a session at 5pm.

have a date at 1pm.

I am up for both *smug*.

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3:13 AM - why?
Current mood: aggravated

that was the stupidest thing to do with ten dollars. my friend let me borrow 10 bucks to go to bar sinister, because a friend from san diego was in town and there. I waited in line for half an hour, and was in the club for 15 minutes. I go outside, and see my friend ranting and raving about getting kicked out or something. Go say hi, a little amused, get asked if I have weed, then "I'll talk to you later, I'm busy". Asshole.

So I walked home, annoyed. I met this guy at Malediction a couple of months ago, saw him there again briefly a few weeks ago, and he had called me yesterday to ask if I wanted to get together either at or after the club. It would just be another thing, but it pisses me off more than the usual thing.

Geez... someone's manic. Whatever. Might still hang out with him in a bit.

On the plus side - I found another bracelet at Bar Sinister... I find one every time I'm there. Starting a collection. This one is from Hot Topic.... and leather.

Ilike inconsiderate assholes more than the average person, but I'm bored with these idiots.

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Saturday, February 04, 2006

9:51 PM - no sessions.
Current mood: still crappy.

guy yesterday was here in North Hollywood, forgot his wallet in his truck, went down to get it, me and me friend forgot he had no way to call us or get back inside, by the time we got down it was too late. so... no session yesterday. stayed up getting drunk, slept all day, just woke up, weird dreams I chose to forget... not for any bad reason, just didn't seem worthwhile. called my regular who should be back in town this weekend - no answer... he's either sleeping, out, or not back from NY yet.


no sessions.

no money.

no luck.

no cigarettes.

still in NoHo. but at least my friend gave me a place to sleep, fed me, gave me vanilla cloves, let me sleep all day, and gave me enough vitamins to feed a horse. I feel a little better with real sleep.
in the stream
power of the soul, warmth in the arms of the lion
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Date:February 8th, 2006 03:37 pm (UTC)
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And I thought I was the only "girl" with a phantom penis.