soory if you see things twice - I've just been using myspace a lot more than this:
3:33 AM - doop doobie do.
Current mood: vacant
"it's like you're getting a blow job and complaining because it tickles a little."
this is what my friend told me on the phone earlier tonight. and he's fucking right. I have a hard time dealing with things I perceive as being very good/important to me happening. if anyone knew what the fuck I was talking about, they'd most likely think I was blowing things out of proportion. but I do that on occasion. and I know that. there's no reason my mind shouldn't go somewhere if it brings me peace.
I've already paid for my stupidity. shit man - shit happens. I'm getting better at keeping a clearer perspective, but still have the occasional setback. even when I know everything is fine. good even. :)
went to see King Kong tonight - neighbors had an extra ticket. OMG... it was 3 hours long and sucked. My ass hurts. If it was about an hour shorter it might have been okay. I want to see someone make a movie where human beings are the enemy, and where this is the default perspective. None of this sentimental crap. Maybe something like Aliens where the aliens totally win and wipe out this stupid race. and I want to be the lead character - with my pink hair and bazookas strapped to my wrists.
fuck the fuckers.
...there's always a reason. was wondering why one of the people in the group I went with was emitting such strong energy. turns out she has a photographic memory. doesn't know shit how it use it, but it's there.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
12:40 AM - someone has to be interested [females]
Current mood: oh joy, the happy contradiction
...would anyone on my list be interested in making a little extra money and doing a double session with me at some point - possibly after new years? My client really wants to see me fuck another girl. I have no objections, only a lack of resources. you don't have to do anything with him. I don't.
seriously... if you're interested - let me know. I have very few morals/restrictions when it comes to sexuality. It'd probably help if you were submissive or a switch. And, of course, it'd probably help if you were attracted to me. but even that doesn't really matter.
I'm most likely going to Moscow tomorrow, cuz I generally have nothing to do and I REALLY FUCKING need some action. Dunno why I've gotten so much pickier lately - it's like the more time passes by between lovers, the more picky I get.
It's almost mechanical, though. I need to do somebody, or them to do me. I don't feel emotionally crappy or anything - just cold about it. the desire is a biological function. but it's fucking powerful.
12:06 AM - getting sick of everything
Current mood: listless
darkroom was boring, came home in an hour... felt like an eternity.
I'm really ceasing to care about everything. I'm getting bord with people. I'm getting bored with my situations. I've ceased to care about money - though I prolly should given that I have bills due soon. I'm barely scraping by with my one client - might go to NY for a week or something over xmas and new years for the fuck of it - cuz it'll be paid for. My rent is paid through February. I should think about bills and shit that I can't pay and leave the apartment. my friends are depressed and lonely, I'm depressed and lonely - and I want to cause some fucking trouble, but everything's just so BORING.
I'm eating too much because I'm bored and I can't seem to occupy myself or get excited about anything. I picture myself with a more efficient design - arms like serpents that curl and extend - black anf shiny, claws, and a strange segmented body that's half machine. It is actually something I remember. In a different world. It's what I see when I close my eyes. A bunch of odd look creatures fighting somewhere. Maybe it was what comprises atoms. I might be Zim next halloween - green skin paint and red contact lenses. It'll be cool.
I figure if I end up hooking up with anyone, I'll only end up maiming them. But I want to get back into photography - I just need //victims// models. Might be a good time to do the shit I've been meaning to do for a while - but there's no real purpose in mind.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
12:39 AM - phone is back.
called t-mobile one more time, and the fucking stupid issue was finally resolved. my phone bill is current. feel free to call.
Monday, December 12, 2005
11:43 PM - my parent's called the police on me.
Current mood: pissed.
because I didn't pick up the phone when they called.
just got back from a private screening of The Hostel with Quentin Tarantino and a bunch of people I should be impressed by. It was kinda cool, but whatever. not violent enough - cheesy ending. anyway... got home to a guy in the lobby telling me that the police were here looking for me. I sent my parents an anrgy email telling them to fuck off. sometimes I don't answer the phone. stupid fucks.
my t-mobile service is suspended because I refuse to pay money I don't owe. I've called them 3 times and they've put in reports but nothing. I changed my number when I moved here, and they've been charging me for having 2 accounts for 6 months. bitches. I'm not paying. fuck that.
anyway - a little tipsy from the movie afterparty. good food. crappy wine. I have a landline I could call t-mobile with, but I have no regular phone to plug in. JOY FUCKING JOY.
If anyone want's to hear a recording of Quentin's voice, let me know. it's on my non-functioning phone.
EDIT: The Hostel was actually pretty good - written and directed by the same guy who did Cabin Fever, should come out in January or March... no comparison, this was so much better. It was almost better than the Saw movies. I just have... high standards for torture, violence, and gore. I really wanna see a movie that's largely comprised of long torture scenes that are realistic. Maybe a weird arty film with a lot of realistic waiting around. The movie assumes that the audience will be shocked by the "violation" of the whole premise - but come on, be realistic. The audience doesn't care. Saw and Saw II could have been better... they'll be more popular because the story is more twisted. There's more sex in this one.
And those bitches are HOT. One of them was there for the after screening Q&A. Yum. I'd hit that in second.
0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
4:51 AM - watch out [super duper drunk]
Current mood: duct tape and fingernails
malediction was fun! I can't remember any of it right now, except for this weird gross wiccan guy with a throat and tongue fetish trying go put his fingers down my throat. gross!!! narrow getaway to the dancefloor. I think I saw him riding a bike home, but it could have been a drunken hallucination. only had two drinks, got a ride home with xian. who I hugged profusely and who continues to be god in the dj booth.
prolly got home around 2:30, bought cigarettes - but damn! does time fly. Judging by the clock, I've spent the past 2 and a half hours masturbating.
best.fantasies.ever. I love being drunk. Everything spews right out. and I'm obviously still drunk. cuz I'm gonna post this and go to bed. g'night!
Saturday, December 10, 2005
5:56 AM - dude, I have no clue who even reads this thing.
Current mood: drunk
I'm drunk. Okay then...
it would perhaps not be wise to make a drunken post, but oh well - won't incriminate myself.
Went to Miss Kitty's, after being completely STUPID and afraid to leave the house. It took my will going in a weird direction to get there. Had the same cab driver I had had before who is completely anal retentive and weirdly precise. Paid $3 to go to to the DragonFly when I could've walked there. Had an okay time. Ran into P again, and we chatted under the street lamp. Ran into a girl who had given me a ride to the basement a month or so ago, and had seen me getting branded - who was very drunk and really wanted me to domme her [cute]. Got her phone number. Ran into a couple of other people who had seen me get branded at DV8, a couple of people I saw at the Darkroom, and the guy I always see everywhere whose name I can't remember [but I think it's Boon]. Drank. A lot. Danced. A little. Locked myself in the bathroom for about 5 minutes, until someone started knocking at the door. Didn't do a damn thing in there but stare at the mirror and hold myself/pretend someone was holding me. Shut up.
Got a ride to the basement. The person I know that worked there is apparently no longer working there - but they let me in for free one last time. No more free ride. :(
Went in the back room, and the boyfriend [now husband] of a friend I worked with in SF at Fantasy makers, who met me once on Halloween 2002, was there and recognized me right away. We talked about metaphysics and shit, caught up, I heard about my friend. Got his number and a couple of models for the Tower and the Queen of Swords. Then drove with him and his friend to Canter's for some food - and just came home.
Given the circumstance, this journalm entry was written at an amazing speed. Two red headed sluts, and adios motherfucker, and a vodka cranberry later. And I feel fine.
I look like a zombie right now. ZOMBIIIIEEEEE.
Friday, December 09, 2005
8:24 PM - fucking christ.
Current mood: okay
my hair is now nuclear red.
I love cute recovering alcoholic girls who really wannna fuck me.
my brain id wacky from sitting in and being unjustly paranoid.
going to miss kitty's in a couple of hours.
have a cold but still hoping for some action. there will be drinking, and possibly a trip to the basement.
I hate not trusting myself. And whatever is attacking me can fuck the hell off. I'm in no mood to deal with anyone's shit. I need to fucking get out of this - I'm fucking miserable. I was doing just fine when I was working and doing my fucking projects. I need to get back in a place where I can do something again. I HATE this time of year.
...I'm also being sparked to remembering something like the beginning of time, or the nullfication of it - merging and becoming something like a spiraling back void in space. It' beautiful. It's natural and lustful, and somewhere my heart wants to be. That's all it is. Beautiful. And complete.
But it can't happen. This is what logic and experience dictates. Can't control what the heart dictates.
Now I wanna laugh. I think I'll be fine.
I do have a little black heart - it's just not a bad thing to have. I'm remembering something old, that's usually murky.
I need to cheer up and think of simpler things.