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Dec. 15th, 2005 @ 04:18 am hm hm hm... let's see how many lines I can cross here.
descriptor: amusedamused
I got these off of http://www.jesus-is-savior.com/Evils%20in%20America/Abortion%20is%20Murder/horror_of_abortion.htm while searching for an image of Mary getting an abortion - so I could post it and proclaim "Merry Xmas!" Didn't find one, but oh well.

cool! it's an aborted fetus!

now... that was an easy life. next?

body parts! nifty!

is that a skull? neat!

OO!! Found one:

Merry Xmas Everybody!!!
in the stream
Dec. 15th, 2005 @ 04:11 am catch up
descriptor: iconic/ironic
soory if you see things twice - I've just been using myspace a lot more than this:

3:33 AM - doop doobie do.
Current mood: vacant

"it's like you're getting a blow job and complaining because it tickles a little."

this is what my friend told me on the phone earlier tonight. and he's fucking right. I have a hard time dealing with things I perceive as being very good/important to me happening. if anyone knew what the fuck I was talking about, they'd most likely think I was blowing things out of proportion. but I do that on occasion. and I know that. there's no reason my mind shouldn't go somewhere if it brings me peace.

I've already paid for my stupidity. shit man - shit happens. I'm getting better at keeping a clearer perspective, but still have the occasional setback. even when I know everything is fine. good even. :)

went to see King Kong tonight - neighbors had an extra ticket. OMG... it was 3 hours long and sucked. My ass hurts. If it was about an hour shorter it might have been okay. I want to see someone make a movie where human beings are the enemy, and where this is the default perspective. None of this sentimental crap. Maybe something like Aliens where the aliens totally win and wipe out this stupid race. and I want to be the lead character - with my pink hair and bazookas strapped to my wrists.

fuck the fuckers.

...there's always a reason. was wondering why one of the people in the group I went with was emitting such strong energy. turns out she has a photographic memory. doesn't know shit how it use it, but it's there.

oh well.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

12:40 AM - someone has to be interested [females]
Current mood: oh joy, the happy contradiction

...would anyone on my list be interested in making a little extra money and doing a double session with me at some point - possibly after new years? My client really wants to see me fuck another girl. I have no objections, only a lack of resources. you don't have to do anything with him. I don't.

seriously... if you're interested - let me know. I have very few morals/restrictions when it comes to sexuality. It'd probably help if you were submissive or a switch. And, of course, it'd probably help if you were attracted to me. but even that doesn't really matter.

I'm most likely going to Moscow tomorrow, cuz I generally have nothing to do and I REALLY FUCKING need some action. Dunno why I've gotten so much pickier lately - it's like the more time passes by between lovers, the more picky I get.

It's almost mechanical, though. I need to do somebody, or them to do me. I don't feel emotionally crappy or anything - just cold about it. the desire is a biological function. but it's fucking powerful.

12:06 AM - getting sick of everything
Current mood: listless

darkroom was boring, came home in an hour... felt like an eternity.

I'm really ceasing to care about everything. I'm getting bord with people. I'm getting bored with my situations. I've ceased to care about money - though I prolly should given that I have bills due soon. I'm barely scraping by with my one client - might go to NY for a week or something over xmas and new years for the fuck of it - cuz it'll be paid for. My rent is paid through February. I should think about bills and shit that I can't pay and leave the apartment. my friends are depressed and lonely, I'm depressed and lonely - and I want to cause some fucking trouble, but everything's just so BORING.

I'm eating too much because I'm bored and I can't seem to occupy myself or get excited about anything. I picture myself with a more efficient design - arms like serpents that curl and extend - black anf shiny, claws, and a strange segmented body that's half machine. It is actually something I remember. In a different world. It's what I see when I close my eyes. A bunch of odd look creatures fighting somewhere. Maybe it was what comprises atoms. I might be Zim next halloween - green skin paint and red contact lenses. It'll be cool.

I figure if I end up hooking up with anyone, I'll only end up maiming them. But I want to get back into photography - I just need //victims// models. Might be a good time to do the shit I've been meaning to do for a while - but there's no real purpose in mind.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

12:39 AM - phone is back.

called t-mobile one more time, and the fucking stupid issue was finally resolved. my phone bill is current. feel free to call.


Monday, December 12, 2005

11:43 PM - my parent's called the police on me.
Current mood: pissed.

because I didn't pick up the phone when they called.

just got back from a private screening of The Hostel with Quentin Tarantino and a bunch of people I should be impressed by. It was kinda cool, but whatever. not violent enough - cheesy ending. anyway... got home to a guy in the lobby telling me that the police were here looking for me. I sent my parents an anrgy email telling them to fuck off. sometimes I don't answer the phone. stupid fucks.

my t-mobile service is suspended because I refuse to pay money I don't owe. I've called them 3 times and they've put in reports but nothing. I changed my number when I moved here, and they've been charging me for having 2 accounts for 6 months. bitches. I'm not paying. fuck that.

anyway - a little tipsy from the movie afterparty. good food. crappy wine. I have a landline I could call t-mobile with, but I have no regular phone to plug in. JOY FUCKING JOY.

If anyone want's to hear a recording of Quentin's voice, let me know. it's on my non-functioning phone.

EDIT: The Hostel was actually pretty good - written and directed by the same guy who did Cabin Fever, should come out in January or March... no comparison, this was so much better. It was almost better than the Saw movies. I just have... high standards for torture, violence, and gore. I really wanna see a movie that's largely comprised of long torture scenes that are realistic. Maybe a weird arty film with a lot of realistic waiting around. The movie assumes that the audience will be shocked by the "violation" of the whole premise - but come on, be realistic. The audience doesn't care. Saw and Saw II could have been better... they'll be more popular because the story is more twisted. There's more sex in this one.

And those bitches are HOT. One of them was there for the after screening Q&A. Yum. I'd hit that in second.


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4:51 AM - watch out [super duper drunk]
Current mood: duct tape and fingernails

malediction was fun! I can't remember any of it right now, except for this weird gross wiccan guy with a throat and tongue fetish trying go put his fingers down my throat. gross!!! narrow getaway to the dancefloor. I think I saw him riding a bike home, but it could have been a drunken hallucination. only had two drinks, got a ride home with xian. who I hugged profusely and who continues to be god in the dj booth.

prolly got home around 2:30, bought cigarettes - but damn! does time fly. Judging by the clock, I've spent the past 2 and a half hours masturbating.

best.fantasies.ever. I love being drunk. Everything spews right out. and I'm obviously still drunk. cuz I'm gonna post this and go to bed. g'night!

Saturday, December 10, 2005

5:56 AM - dude, I have no clue who even reads this thing.
Current mood: drunk

I'm drunk. Okay then...

it would perhaps not be wise to make a drunken post, but oh well - won't incriminate myself.

Went to Miss Kitty's, after being completely STUPID and afraid to leave the house. It took my will going in a weird direction to get there. Had the same cab driver I had had before who is completely anal retentive and weirdly precise. Paid $3 to go to to the DragonFly when I could've walked there. Had an okay time. Ran into P again, and we chatted under the street lamp. Ran into a girl who had given me a ride to the basement a month or so ago, and had seen me getting branded - who was very drunk and really wanted me to domme her [cute]. Got her phone number. Ran into a couple of other people who had seen me get branded at DV8, a couple of people I saw at the Darkroom, and the guy I always see everywhere whose name I can't remember [but I think it's Boon]. Drank. A lot. Danced. A little. Locked myself in the bathroom for about 5 minutes, until someone started knocking at the door. Didn't do a damn thing in there but stare at the mirror and hold myself/pretend someone was holding me. Shut up.

Got a ride to the basement. The person I know that worked there is apparently no longer working there - but they let me in for free one last time. No more free ride. :(

Went in the back room, and the boyfriend [now husband] of a friend I worked with in SF at Fantasy makers, who met me once on Halloween 2002, was there and recognized me right away. We talked about metaphysics and shit, caught up, I heard about my friend. Got his number and a couple of models for the Tower and the Queen of Swords. Then drove with him and his friend to Canter's for some food - and just came home.

Given the circumstance, this journalm entry was written at an amazing speed. Two red headed sluts, and adios motherfucker, and a vodka cranberry later. And I feel fine.

I look like a zombie right now. ZOMBIIIIEEEEE.

Friday, December 09, 2005

8:24 PM - fucking christ.
Current mood: okay

my hair is now nuclear red.

I love cute recovering alcoholic girls who really wannna fuck me.

my brain id wacky from sitting in and being unjustly paranoid.

going to miss kitty's in a couple of hours.

have a cold but still hoping for some action. there will be drinking, and possibly a trip to the basement.

I hate not trusting myself. And whatever is attacking me can fuck the hell off. I'm in no mood to deal with anyone's shit. I need to fucking get out of this - I'm fucking miserable. I was doing just fine when I was working and doing my fucking projects. I need to get back in a place where I can do something again. I HATE this time of year.

...I'm also being sparked to remembering something like the beginning of time, or the nullfication of it - merging and becoming something like a spiraling back void in space. It' beautiful. It's natural and lustful, and somewhere my heart wants to be. That's all it is. Beautiful. And complete.

But it can't happen. This is what logic and experience dictates. Can't control what the heart dictates.

Now I wanna laugh. I think I'll be fine.

I do have a little black heart - it's just not a bad thing to have. I'm remembering something old, that's usually murky.

I need to cheer up and think of simpler things.
in the stream
Dec. 14th, 2005 @ 03:12 am It all could have been so different...
descriptor: serpent eyes
Image hosted by Photobucket.com
in the stream
power of the soul, warmth in the arms of the lion
Dec. 14th, 2005 @ 12:00 am (no subject)
went to the darkroom, was there for an hour - felt like 3 - came back home. bored out of my freakin' skull.

might go back in an hour to see if anything's improved. live half a block away.
in the stream
Dec. 13th, 2005 @ 07:42 am (no subject)
descriptor: okie dokie
wow... after careful consideration - I think I have become evil. My reactions to everything have become far more sinister than they used to be. and I've somewhat ceased to care. it is what it is.


*shrug* good for me.
in the stream
Dec. 13th, 2005 @ 04:35 am anorexia pics

I'm sorry, but this chick does not look anorexic. she looks fine.

this chick - does.


a large collageCollapse )

yup, there's another one.

okay - she's fucking hot. but that one seems pretty natural to me.

whatever - I'm bored.
in the stream
Dec. 12th, 2005 @ 05:29 am (no subject)
descriptor: duct tape and fingernails
malediction was fun! I can't remember any of it right now, except for this weird gross wiccan guy with a throat and tongue fetish trying go put his fingers down my throat. gross!!! narrow getaway to the dancefloor. I think I saw him riding a bike home, but it could have been a drunken hallucination. only had two drinks, got a ride home with xian. who I hugged profusely and who continues to be god in the dj booth.

prolly got home around 2:30, bought cigarettes - but damn! does time fly. Judging by the clock, I've spent the past 2 and a half hours masturbating.

best.fantasies.ever. I love being drunk. Everything spews right out. and I'm obviously still drunk. cuz I'm gonna post this and go to bed. g'night!
in the stream
Dec. 11th, 2005 @ 10:06 pm (no subject)
spent the day with my client - got the desktop computer, watched aeon flux [the cartoon], he took me to whole foods and I bought over $100 worth of expensive groceries including a bunch of those odwalla drinks and fake meat, and did a session.

I need to do more simple juvenile things. they save my sanity. my friends are too serious, or I'm not close enough with anyone to really just let go that way. I need to start forcing people to do silly things with me. The inner child thing - yeah.

Going to Malediction. Hopefully will see a few friends. *sigh*
in the stream
Dec. 10th, 2005 @ 06:40 pm god... thank you.
descriptor: amazed

too bad she lives in irvine. :(



in the stream
power of the soul, warmth in the arms of the lion
Dec. 9th, 2005 @ 04:29 pm hee hee
descriptor: amusedamused
see, even this stupid little test I made on okcupid yesterday proves that not many people are compatible with me. Or they're dumbasses.

Send me an angel.


yes, I'm on okcupid. shut your fucking trap. nobody's gotten above 69% on "wanted". Heh.
in the stream
power of the soul, warmth in the arms of the lion
Dec. 9th, 2005 @ 03:49 pm point.
descriptor: lalala...
...okay, things aren't as bad as I guess I've been making them out to be - the shotgun in the last post was for the rest of the world, not myself. FYI. Don't worry... I don't want to kill me, I just want to destroy the rest of the world and have a little fun before I die. Is that so wrong? Really? It's gonna happen anyway, I just wanna speed up the process. I used to figure if I killed myself, I would probably get reincarnated again and etc. But at this point, I'm sincerely doubting that - I might be, but the damn thing would be by choice. And I'd probably choose to sleep. I've commited suicide in past lives a few times - not really a huge deal. The challenges we face in this one, the history on our souls [a chunk of it,] is due to the process of incarnation itself... if we didn't exist in these incarnations [which we really don't], there would be no weight, no lessons, nothing to learn. Process, any process, is a byproduct of existence and the existence of something that can be finitely measurable. It's a design. Process is a fucking function. Things circle back. Everything has a reason and everything has NO reason. Step outside the box. You're not fucked if you kill yourself, people just kill themselves for stupid reasons. It depends on how much you know, not what you think you know. How people go about and view this process of "evolution" is also entirely a matter of perception, in many ways. People misinterpret. Figure it out for yourself.

Don't be a dumbass.

-Ashton and Co.
in the stream
Dec. 6th, 2005 @ 04:47 pm (no subject)
descriptor: finished.
if you're that determined not to have me as a friend, you're doing a great job - and you'll get your wish. I don't know what your problem is, but congratulations on a job well done. I'm SO done being nice. Have a lovely life. Call me when you're done being stupid.
in the stream
Dec. 5th, 2005 @ 04:26 am mechanical feed
descriptor: must know.
one goes to one place
and 0\another to another.

I exist everywhere.
in the stream
Dec. 5th, 2005 @ 01:45 am (no subject)
descriptor: off.
Maybe they think I am Naive
Because of my baby face
They don't know it's my technique
To survive in this place

Lovers easy poetry
Speaking to my Berlin land
Who will write a song for me
To change the rules of my game

Happy Violentine
Happy Violent Time

Please no flowers as they die
Bad jokes and I eat you raw
If my dreams don't drive me mad
Let's sleep to be tomorrow

No love is part of the job
So I can delete this day
Switch me into stand-by mode
Until someone presses play
Happy Violentine
Happy Violent time
in the stream
Dec. 3rd, 2005 @ 02:41 am (no subject)
extension: prodigy - firestarter
haha... I'm downloading music [because I can, bitches]. and I just remembered that I used to listen to prodigy - firestarter and REM - losing my religion repeatedly, one with the other, to fall asleep. ...they do kinda go together.

no idea why that came to me.


3:19 AM - creepy
Current mood: no taboos

deleted the song off the downloaded playlist after it finished on Limewire - and it started playing about 15 minutes later. no reason. miss kittin - happy violentine. it's strangely appropriate, but I have no idea why. huh... interesting synchronicity or something. cool. totally threw me off.

kinda like a few minutes ago when I remembered that I used to listen to firestarter and losing my religion one after the other to put myself to sleep a while ago... like years.

er um... with broken wings and mindless self indulgence. yeah.
in the stream
Dec. 3rd, 2005 @ 12:22 am (no subject)
descriptor: ciphered
extension: what the hell does it matter? [a question, indeed]
how the fuck could I forget?

Life isn't fair. by all accounts it should be. but it's not. it's stupid.

this is an important lesson. maybe I should walk back to the bar and drink more, watch someone I went out with twice chatting up some chick and some dickwipe who talked to me for some stupid reason. yipee, nice enough. both left right when I was starting to feel better. I'm not even in the mood to fuck right now, I want to beat the living shit out of someone. It's a quiet rage. Or maybe I should give those razorblades I bought for clients today a shot - for fun purposes.

heh, I can understand why people slice their wrists with these things; nice clean cut.

ah yes - and synchronicity is entirely maleable - it can be predicted, and it can be molded. I had a thought and my lampshade fell. These things happen. It only gets interesting when you can really map it.

wouldn't it be interesting it you could numb the lower half of your body, slice yourself open, and play with what's inside until you couldn't survive anymore?
in the stream
Dec. 2nd, 2005 @ 07:34 am (no subject)
descriptor: happyhappy
DSL is working!!! yay!!!
in the stream
Dec. 2nd, 2005 @ 06:09 am ho hum.
descriptor: ho hum.
maybe I'm stupid. maybe I will never be happy [which isn't all that important anyway]... whatever.

I'm here at kinkos in the middle of the night. DSL probably won't be up until a decent hour. Phone line, for some reason, isn't working. I gave away about 3 boxes of my books yesterday, which went within minutes. My apartment is still a shambles - but I have more room. Did a session yesterday at the Beverly Hills Hotel - which I've never been to and is wicked. got there late [stupid cabs and shit], but made $210, not including cab fare [around $50, provided]. Even with everything going well or better, I'm still not over it. Maybe I should seek counseling or something for all the stupid trauma Reasure Jacobs put me through... I can't sleep, and all I want to know is that he got his. I want him dead. Simple. If I ever see him again, I will kill him. I don't care how that makes me sound.

I'm serious considering satanism, fyi - or at least a satanist lean. I don't fully agree with the philosophy, but it's stabilizing. I might as well... I've already accepted that there's no conceivable way I'm ever going to be conventionally happy. I've tried, I can't keep my head straight with pleasant little happinesses. It'd be nice, but I don't see it in cards for me. Satanism is nice - people are there for each other and there are no stigmas [I'm not even counting the dislike for christianity, which is fine, but kinda pointless - just the social circle. people are cool.]. If I don't get back into doing tarot card and photography shit, pick up those heiroglyph books, and back to the computer science, I think I'm going to break.

I'm also fucking lonely. I can regail myself all I want with daydreams, pointless self tortures [that are really pointless because there's nothing to torture myself about], wishes that won't come true, fantasies that float in the distance - but for some reason, I can't have love or even a simple replacement to keep me occupied. And I'm too disillusioned to even bother really trying. And I've tried.

And this, along with everything else in my life that sucks - keeps that suicide urge fresh and clean. Isn't that lovely? It really doesn't matter how many people care about me, hit on me, or whatever - I don't have what I need to survive in a happy state. While I have a sense of belongingness, I lack a real sense of trust.

Guess what contributed to that.
in the stream
Nov. 30th, 2005 @ 01:22 pm (no subject)
descriptor: amusedamused
holy shit this is funny.

I'm on linux, gateway just sent me the link for the modem to download, downloaded it but couldn't burn it, logged onto windows - whee, my computer has the trojan horse virus, and I have no software to remove it - windows will only let me stay logged on briefly, not long enough to download. might download it here on linux, though I don't know if it'll work, or if I need to go to windows in safemode or something. HAHAHA. Thanks universe. I'm fucked,
in the stream
Nov. 30th, 2005 @ 06:04 am (no subject)
a brief job turns into hell...

it didn't reinstall the...

fucking drivers. after the laptop rejected the gateway recommended drivers [that take hours to download and burn], and some gateway didn't recommend, I managed to find drivers that worked for everything but the modem and the network controller. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

With the dinky shit I installed as the sound driver, I dunno if I'll be able to get streaming [which I fucking need], and I can't get online [duh], and and... nothing. I'm pissed and going to bed now.
in the stream
Nov. 29th, 2005 @ 05:32 pm (no subject)
the recovery disk worked on the laptop [they wouldn't take it back - long story], but I lost a bunch of programs... don't even know what, besides the program that plays DVDs. That SUCKS. dunno what else I lost. laptop is fine otherwise - but that pisses me off. A neighbor might have something, I'll ask him tonight.

in the stream
Nov. 29th, 2005 @ 02:05 pm oh come on, you DOUBT me???
descriptor: amusedamused

According to experts, my personality type is :
Border Line Psycho Killer
Ink Blot Personality TestOther people like me display these traits.
  • They eat tofu
  • They like black lingerie
  • They are geeks
  • They smell like cucumbers
  • Take the Ink Blot Personality Quiz at JokesUnlimited.com
    in the stream
    Nov. 28th, 2005 @ 01:16 am (no subject)
    9:42 PM - pleased to meet you, hope you guess my name...
    Current mood: but what's puzzling you, is the nature of my game

    spent the day with my client - looked at old OLD computers, got a keyboard, mouse, that's it - getting the rest next week. he also gave me [look at me, I'm sandra dee] a pair of really high quality speakers he never used - huge ass subwoofer and everything. I got a bag full of DVDs - makebe thirty - and will probably get more. ISN'T MY LIFE GRAND? We went to Vegan Express and I got enough food to last me a few days, and some weird drinks. We watched D.E.B.S. - which kicked ass, while being totally unrealistic - and I did a really brief session and got paid $300. Deserve every penny. On the ride home, he started complaining about his life... wanting to get away and blah blah blah - fucking do it, man - I don't care. When you have money coming out of your ass... not even gonna go there.

    I don't even care about money - though it's nice, and I need it. Just let me be in my little fantasy world, okay?

    static. reception. OVER.
    in the stream
    Nov. 27th, 2005 @ 01:42 pm (no subject)
    *sigh* the new computer is all packed up and ready to go back to the store. dunno if I should get a replacement or a refund. dunno if they'll let me, but they should. It's a matter of principle, I can install XP Pro again, but I don't know if the computer will have problems again, and a bunch of programs that were installed in the first place would be lost. Just bought the thing two days ago, so no. There were two partitions on the machine, which seems weird - one main NTFS, and another tiny partition labeled FAT32/Win95. Suspect it was booting from the latter and the assumption was that nobody would be fucking with anything, just using XP and going lalala... lalala... dunno if I get a new one, if it'll have the same problem. Guess I could always copy the system information, install my copy of XP pro, and put the programs on there. It's a little weird - they should at least have something with the drivers on it, and the programs. Gateway sucks. Never again.

    Well... I'm going to Fry's today, I think. So maybe I'll see what they have there. Only if I can return the laptop before going, though. We'll see. I should call my client and shit.
    in the stream
    Nov. 27th, 2005 @ 12:04 am mary had a little lamb...
    ...looks like I'm gonna have to return/exchange that laptop - the system recovery disk doesn't work. suppose I could install the version of windows I have on this computer, but the laptop came with a bunch of software I don't have, and I just fucking bought it. Tres annoying.

    dunno where the receipt is - should dig it up. probably in the garbage I haven't thrown away yet, eeven though I made a note to keep it around.

    could've just waited until I had DSL in two days to download a Linux system online [I think the disk is corrupted - won't install a boot loader, hence installation fails and takes windows with it]. It was so nice, too. Everything was already installed on Windows, and Linux was actually able to resize the NTFS partition. Repaired everything.... but the boot loader. Dunno how to fix that, unless I can find a download, burn a cd on this computer, and somehow manage to sneak it into the Linux installation on the other computer. If I was a little more well versed, I might be able to dig something out the of installation CD, but I'm not... yet. Doesn't matter anyway, cuz windows is dead dead dead. Soooo tired of this. If I can dig up the receipt by tomorrow, I might be able to get my client to give me a ride to Best Buy. Should be getting that desktop, too. I think he's tired of hearing what's going on in my life, cuz it's just another disaster every fucking time. It's becoming normal. I never have GOOD news.

    Some of my friends are back, feel a little safer.
    in the stream
    Nov. 26th, 2005 @ 06:25 pm (no subject)
    descriptor: stupid
    dude... why the hell would anyone even wanna be my friend? I try, but I'm an idiot - no wonder people leave.

    My friends appear to be doing okay, or having fun, or surviving - that's all that really matters. misery can be annoying. so can pointless jumping around. I hate doing it, but it happens. Maybe it's better to keep everything inside - as a general rule, I've found that to be extremely true. I don't expect anyone to put up with me when my head is jumping around. Sometimes I just wonder if it's worth it to save myself. The answer is typically difficult to determine. Why do I fuck up when something matters to me? Not like I'm not trying here... but it's failure after failure. There are some thing I don't wanna lose - but sometimes think I wanna lose them because it would make completely giving up easier. Dunno why I'm so hard on myself. I'm tired of fucking up./\

    heh... I just got up from off my bed and fell on my ass. guess i should expect that. :/
    in the stream
    Nov. 26th, 2005 @ 05:36 pm fuck my luck.
    ...I'm using my old computer again. the new one isn't working. I tried to install Linux along with windows and everything crashed. I think the Linux disk might have an error - but I can't load windows either. Then there was an error on startup saying that there was a fan error. Now the screen is frozen.

    Isn't it nice to believe things? Why am I still here? I keep trying to kill the suicide urgem but it just won't go away. I'm starting to think of suicide as the most unselfish thing to do. Maybe people will be inspired to be stronger and live better lives because of my failure. Don't worry, I probably won't do, but if I ever do - I don't want anyone to cry for me.

    Please be stronger than me.
    in the stream
    Nov. 26th, 2005 @ 01:50 am we take care of our own...
    descriptor: cleanse
    extension: bathe in a river of blood
    okay, um, the flashes of past life scenes are weird. Ripping out intestines and shit. Just because they're flashes. Or everything getting wobbly. Dealing with it better than usual. ready to just relax.

    oh, and the new harry potter movie is nowhere near a good as the last one - though I kinda liked the snakes coming out of the sky, and have a little warm spot in my heart for lord voldemort. Can relate to his attitude, though it's not always a good thing. Been feeling a little more coldheartedly/passionlessly sadistic lately. But I think that passion might come back anytime.

    Have a session tomorrow. Getting a desktop on Sunday.
    in the stream
    Nov. 25th, 2005 @ 12:29 pm (no subject)
    Got a new computer - spent $600. There were lines about six city blocks long at 5am at Best Buy. Missed out on the really cheap laptop, but got a better one with a dvd burner and more memory. I think I'm cursed to remain with gateway as long as I have a computer. got the gateway mx6030. I want Broadband - I have a wireless card - but have no idea how much that would cost if I don't have equipment. Do I need to buy any kind of expensive equipment, or just sign up and configure the wireless card?

    in the stream
    Nov. 24th, 2005 @ 10:18 am (no subject)
    I'm gonna treat myself tomorrow and buy a new laptop at Best Buy at 5am - $379. There's one at Walmart for $378, but that's further and the laptop is worse. Then I'll sell my new CDRW/DVD drive and the partable CDRW/DVD drive on Ebay - bought them both for $89... less than a month old, can probably sell one for $70 and one for $130 [retails for $229], almost make up the price of the laptop.

    Talked to my parents, who offered to pay the fees for filing bankruptcy and getting a lawyer. Also offered to help me pay back the $1500 I borrowed from my client [I don't mind doing sessions and getting more money, so that'll just go towards bills]. And yes, by next week, I'll have 3 computers - this laptop, the new functional laptop, and the 2001 desktop my client is giving me - plus the sound/video/memory improvements. This laptop is probably going to a friend, cuz I can't sell it worth shit. So I'll just have the laptop and the desktop. This laptop can probably be improved by getting a completely new motherboard. But that's not even worth it.

    I'm being stupid and paranoid. Gonna try to re-train my mind and not go nuts - focus focus focus. Do something - like actually pick up those books. Attempt to block everything out. Hermit myself. Install some programs [and reinstall shit tomorrow - I've been doing this damn install/uninstall/reinstall thing for two weeks - Sunday'll be nice, all computers on board]. Go to dinner later with patchwerkgirl's family.

    Went to the dollar store already, but forget tampons.
    in the stream
    power of the soul, warmth in the arms of the lion
    Nov. 23rd, 2005 @ 11:48 pm (no subject)
    dude... I'm scared. [yeah, it happens]. I'm alone in the building [er... meaning all my friends that are usually here are gone] and someone snuck unto the building.

    I'm not in the mood to be alone. I wish I could remember how to not freak out. So I'm probably freaking out or pissing off a couple of my more psychic friends, going backwards, and leaning on them. heavily. sorry guys. I'm half nuts. At least I'm not slicing at myself with a dull knfe anymore. Which was pretty stupid. Yeah. I'm trying to leave everyone alone.

    I miss my friends at work.
    in the stream
    Nov. 23rd, 2005 @ 04:45 pm hahahaha...
    oh my god. I just heard a little kid running down the street yelling "kill me! kill me!"

    um... okay!

    I feel a little better, but still crazy. I so totally wanna shake my fist at the world for fucking with me. *shrug*

    Nobody's around for thanksgiving. :(
    in the stream
    Nov. 22nd, 2005 @ 03:07 am (no subject)
    ...things are going eerily well for me. if I go backwards and forwards [whee! fun!] - I can actually appreciate this. And get back to the future [oh, slap me]. I'm gonna take a moment to cut out paranoia and appreciate

    -the friends that support me
    -the friends that are there for me
    -being able to be happy for my friends [times like this I can get possessive and weird, so I play the avoidance game until my mind clears up a bit and I can be me again]
    -being able to be there for friends [which I can have a hard time doing when I'm this internally whacked]

    I need my secret brain calming down weapon. reconfigure. I've been letting other people's waves interfere with me for too long. Tend to hold onto people when my head is really unstable. Don't like that about myself. Of course, it only fucks me up more - cuz my friends are fucked up right now, and getting tied up in there is not fun,. Most of them. I forget that I really don't need anyone, and my mind starts doing weird manipulative shit as I stop trusting myself - then beating myself up for getting that way. That's where it stems from. My trust in my friend's loyalty tends to go with it. But I don't think I have to worry about that. Zaps of the past talking.

    -having enough money to pay rent for next month and my essential bills.
    -getting a computer and a session this weekend
    -maybe working with another prodomme for some double sessions.
    -maybe getting another client from an LJ Friend
    -the return of sheer and beautiful will power

    I might have to go geburah on some people's asses, but so be it. I can see things unfolding. nothing bad, but something good. maybe. I don't fucking know.

    I'm sick of the ghosts and shit - or whatever - too. I don't need advice from spirits, thanks. I'll pierce your eyeballs out. Heh - I think I'm hurting it. I'm sick of defending myself this way. But this shit neeeds to keep away. I've gotten to mocking it now. A> I need to get rid of this distortion/interference, all it's not gonna break me down, but it's annoying the piss out of me B> LEAVE ME ALONE. and NO. For the last time. NO. Alright asshole? NO. It sucks to have enemies. Goodbye.
    in the stream
    Nov. 21st, 2005 @ 08:44 pm ...and you don't seem to understand...
    descriptor: crazycrazy
    extension: hahahahaha....
    "I thought I was innocent,
    but I'm being punished."

    "you probably don't know the eternal outlaws,
    who wander the distant night."

    I am fading,
    I am folding,
    I have lost it all.
    in the stream
    Nov. 21st, 2005 @ 03:20 pm excommunication
    descriptor: cynicalcynical
    Nobody can help me, not really. There's no exchange rate, either - nothing in my life is going particularly well.

    I will acquiesce to every failure anyone wants to tell me about. Any judgment of character. Any fault or weakness. Any wayward opinion. I'll agree to them all, because I don't care. I don't even want to feel better anymore. I don't want a reason to live. I don't want anyone to help me, I don't want anyone to care. Even if they feel like this is one of those things where I really need someone and they feel like forcing their assistance on me. Screw you. I have friends.

    I don't care about your compassion, I don't care if you're concerned. That's your business. Care if you want, just don't think it'll have bearing. Just be a friend, if I need you to be. I am so sick of people telling me what to do, what to think, how to react. I'll find my own way out - whether it's with a straight razor or some careful planning.

    everyone gets their wish. so keeping wishing, bitches.
    in the stream
    Nov. 21st, 2005 @ 02:54 pm (no subject)
    descriptor: there is no higher purpose
    2:12 PM - some days you just wanna stick a gun in your mouth.
    Current mood: death or $20,000

    I sent my credit card payment over a week ago, and it still hasn't been received. Sprint sent me a statement saying that everything was taken care of with the fraud and shit, but they're still trying to charge me for customer care, even though it's not coming through - which means the phones are still activated. they're STILL FUCKING ACTIVATED!!!!!!!!!!


    Yeah. Some days you just wanna stick a gun in your mouth and pull the trigger. Hah. But I can't afford a gun. Maybe I can drink some draino... but then I'd just have a bunch of hospital bills. Pounding my head on concrete would just get me a head injury. Or maybe that guy from Saw could get me and I'd die in some interesting way. Ah, but that's fiction. Oh well. I feel more solid when I want to die over unsolvable material things that remind me that if I ever wanted anything in this life - a plan, a loan, online classes ,health insurance, the possibility of buying a house or a car someday - that's all been screwed. For life. Anyone wanna let me borrow $15000 to pay everything off and have a clean slate? There are probably things I'm missing, better make it $20,000.

    ...I don't have time. I need to get a well paying steady job, but I don't have time to learn everything I need to learn to have the possibility of getting one. I don't have fucking time. And I don't have the fucking money to get books or to get certification.

    No, scratch the gun in the mouth thing, I'd shoot myself right through the heart. Or maybe use a pick axe. It's messier. Maybe I can burn through the skin in my throat with a cigarette and open the jugular. Oo, or a wine bottle over the skull. That'll do some damage.
    in the stream
    Nov. 17th, 2005 @ 08:15 am (no subject)
    descriptor: gloomygloomy
    extension: if I only had a brain... do doo dododododododo
    3:13 PM - dude.
    Current mood: avoidant. :D

    dude... I'm so glad people aren't reading my blogs - they suck ass right now. I guess I have a choice between sitting around hiding, or being reallysupernice to people for no good reason. So I'll be reallysupernice to people or something. Cuz I'm a jackass. And hearing people's voices is making me want to do stuff and go on and shit.

    I could probably post something to the extent of hey, I just gut some random person on the street and nobody would blink an eye. Sweet. Eh, but we're all in the same boat. Broke. Alone. Insane. I think I'll put on some PJ Harvey.

    I need to go to Perversion tonight - it's not a question. A quiet evening in the house won't cut it. Maybe I'll have some random sex, cuz it's maybe a day or two before my period and my hormones think this is the optimum time to get laid. Oh, biochemical reactions. My tits hurt. bonus.

    Crazy AND in heat. Alright.

    Let's rock.

    Oh yeah... and I'll be selecting about 15 people or so to take over the world with me. Make damn certain you're on the list. Everyone else either gets to die or be a slave - can't be too careful. Muah! Damn... I need to go back on the T.

    AND... if anyone wants to get me something for xmas - here's my fucking amazon wish list.


    it's mostly wishful thinking.
    in the stream
    Nov. 17th, 2005 @ 01:13 am (no subject)
    descriptor: nothing.
    not like anyone cares, but everyone is fine.

    I'm a dumbass... I started installing Linux, deleted Windows [to reinstall it as FAT32 instead of the NTFS that Linux doesn't recognize], forgot that my computer's CD drive won't read the XP disk... there's another CD drive coming in the mail in the next week, but right now I'm stuck unless someone has a brand new burn of the XP CD or something.

    And my phone was shut off. I don't know why. I have to call T Mobile back again and see what's up with my account, if they fixed the fact that I only have one account and not two, and if they changed the charges. I'm not going through this shit again.

    at Kinkos, generally listless, and ready to give up on pretty much anything in this world that would have the remote chance of making me happy. life sucks, I don't care, run me over with a bus, it's over.

    in the stream
    Nov. 14th, 2005 @ 10:43 pm I just lost my job.
    descriptor: numbnumb
    Yup. I did.

    Have a nice day.
    in the stream
    Nov. 14th, 2005 @ 07:00 am (no subject)
    i need to kill someone, but besides that - still can't sleep. couldn't sleep yesterday expect for a couple of hours at work of tossing and turning. couldn't fall asleep when I got home. still fucking up. gonna give this another shot. have to go to work at 11.

    in the stream
    Nov. 13th, 2005 @ 10:33 pm (no subject)
    does anyone have any sleeping pill suggestions - something that'll knock me out for about 6-8 hours without weird side effects?

    don't make me pull a fight club on your ass.
    in the stream
    Nov. 13th, 2005 @ 04:31 am (no subject)
    descriptor: snippy
    I found this doing an AOL search [ha!]... enjoy.

    in the stream
    Nov. 12th, 2005 @ 08:23 pm techiiiiiiiiiieeeeesss...
    descriptor: help!
    extension: [yipe]
    I need to replace the video card on my laptop [Gateway 450sx4]... it hasn't functioned in a long while [stopped functioning a few months after I bought the unit refurbished]. I can't seem to find any useful information online for the kind of card I could get or what would be compatible with my laptop. I did, however, run across something that said the video function on these machines tends to go bad due to insufficient cooling and that it cannot be manually repaired.

    Is it even possible to fix the problem with a new video card? Would I be able to install it myself? Where could I look for a replacement?


    I'm also looking to install the Linux OS while also running my currently installed Windows XP OS. Wondering if anyone knows where I could get a distribution disk for the most current version of Linux [I have one from '99] - and any advice on how to install Linux, either way, so the two systems both work properly.

    in the stream
    Nov. 10th, 2005 @ 01:32 am I figured it out.
    descriptor: melancholymelancholy
    extension: submission hold - last surviving crocodile
    at times, all I really need from someone, underneath the pomp and circumstance, is patience.

    I mess up, but if I care about someone, I don't disappoint. this is probably why I like difficult people. if I'm freaking out, I usually don't want anything but someone to be strong and hold me - or be somewhat logical and tell me I'm being an idiot... when I'm being an idiot.

    ...just fucking shoot me.

    and YES, for fuck's sakes. I would like somebody to be a mind reader. I am. I'm not stupid, I know nobody can be there for me all the time - wouldn't want them to be. They wouldn't be themselves. But sometimes, yeah - I want somebody to be there. hell, make it a circle jerk - pass me along or something. I don't lose my thread.

    yeah, I can hear people saying "get a therapist" - I would, if I had the money. Not to work anything out - just to have someone sit there and listen to me for an hour every week. for no reason. maybe I could just pay someone, if I had the money, to spend time with me. that's all I fucking want.

    I'm trying to be chipper and shit, but it's not fucking working. I can usually pull myself out of funks.

    ...dude. guess I'm more lonely than I thought. this is sad. I need a blow up doll.

    maybe if I sit here long enough I'll understand something.
    in the stream
    Nov. 9th, 2005 @ 06:05 am motion. walk before time.
    descriptor: contemplativecontemplative
    ...it took me along time to start caring about myself.

    nobody really knows me anymore.

    I will not take a masochistic dive, or unearth points of irrelevance, just because I feel like shit.

    I've embarked on an independent road. because it's the only thing that makes sense. I could have spun around in circles and ended up nowhere fast, like many people I know that have passed through my life. Going through the same damn things over and over and over again. But I didn't. I can't do that. I'm still on the high road to nowhere, but at least I have my stability. At least I'm going somewhere [even if somewhere is nowhere].

    I don't like questions.

    I'm often lonely, but I'm not sad about it. Usually. I can understand the moon and the sun and the stars and the past - and at least some idea of the future. Alright... more than some idea. And other people, and the darkness from which I sprang [I had a consciousness, or I could recognize myself - though it was a single point... the beginning of time is like the existence of 4 walls, before this, there was existence, but simply no measurement], and the horribly beautiful things I've done through life and life and betweens and beginnings and ends. I can even know others who understand these things as well, and share more than just a common disdain... [though usually I end up meeting those with some idea or a clutch on particulars - not that I'm any different, but there's so much more - there's so much more to what came before].

    but I don't know if any of this is worth it. I miss being warm. I miss being whole.

    ...this is why I'm so fond of death. I know where I'm going.
    in the stream
    the bitch is back
    Nov. 9th, 2005 @ 03:59 am worth every fucking drop.
    descriptor: mischievousmischievous
    warning... there are pictures of my ass here you might not wanna see.

    Image hosted by Photobucket.com

    drunkCollapse )

    I love my friends.
    in the stream
    Nov. 9th, 2005 @ 03:31 am (no subject)
    descriptor: chipperchipper
    1:56 AM - I'm officially erasing today.
    Current mood: leave me the FUCK alone.

    that's right - today is off the registry. today sucked ass. say bye bye to today.

    tomorrow might not be better, life might not get any fucking better, but tomorrow is tomorrow is tomorrow. and a rose is a rose is a rose.

    keep getting pains in my root chakra, bad ones. something is dying.

    this asswipe won't leave me alone. glad I have a fucking bootycall suitor. dude. I'd kill you tonight. I don't want a fucking back massage or a happy dance. I'm almost in a state where I would accept, but that could get messy.

    haha... kitten is playing with a vial of blood. and I really need to fucking clean. at some point things will get worse. whatever. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. *pulse pulse* I think I'm going to fast for the next week. Nothing can touch me anymore... I will knock it down. fucking tired...

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    1:09 AM - my computer died again...
    Current mood: fine. power just went out. screw you.

    coming home, I discovered that my computer had crashed again. 3rd or 4th time? same error that crashed it the first time. after cursing for a few minutes and calling a friend, I fixed it. the night was full of accidents anyway.



    really don't give a shit about this anymore
    in the stream
    Nov. 7th, 2005 @ 02:13 pm (no subject)
    descriptor: nauseatednauseated
    isn't it fun when puke comes out of your nose?

    dunno why I'm puking yellow and pink when all my drinks were blue. dunno what I ate that tastes like bananas. but I can't go back to sleep, I'm heaving yellow pink bile, and my head hurts.
    in the stream
    Nov. 6th, 2005 @ 06:32 am (no subject)
    descriptor: *shrug*
    ... my kitten stepped in something, and now his toes are magenta. I don't know what the hell he could have stepped in. There are no puddles of magenta paint in my apartment.

    and on another note - menstral blood is much darker than regular blood. I'm not bleeding - but I have both in vials. cuz I'm perverse that way.
    in the stream
    that which speaks of serenity
    Nov. 6th, 2005 @ 05:36 am (no subject)
    descriptor: amusedamused
    3x3 and 10x10
    the obverse tree has sprung again.
    woken gently from it's sleep
    in fits of opalescence.
    tunnels of set -
    hadit and sekhmet.
    call me into darkness.
    sounds increase -
    dance of the beast;
    the serpent's glare,
    wafting on air.

    how to get... from here
    to there.
    in the stream